sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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