The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize