Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I deserve this hangover.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
