I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
