just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
