i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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