Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Pooping to opera.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
