ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize