It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My ass is underappreciated
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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