So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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