How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
