I just threw up on my dentist
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
