thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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