you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I love having hate sex.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Randomize
