My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
