Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Randomize
