I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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