Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
