My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
