i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
