Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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