dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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