Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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