i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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