then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Randomize
