forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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