dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
