hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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