Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Randomize