I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize