The maid of honor just puked.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
