When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
