I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
3 2 1 whiskey
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
