idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
