I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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