I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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