I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
