Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
