im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
