fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I will die if light touches me.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
