Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
