Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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