oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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