I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
