Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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