Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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