Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
