Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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