I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
