I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
